The best feeling ever.. the worst feeling ever

As I mentioned, breastfeeding didn't go so great the entire first week. It didn't actually phase me because, well, it was Nico! If it had have been a "regular" newborn, I may have let it get to me but it's impossible for me to have any expectations with Nico... every day he gets through is more than enough for me.

The plan was for him to have one feed a day but if I didn't get the timing right it was impossible. I'd make sure to be able to stay for 2 feed times at a time, in case the first didn't work out. If those 2 feeds didn't work and it was early in the day, I would try to go back at night and try a 3rd time. It seemed not to matter what I did or how long I stayed or tried, he would either be too grumpy or he would fall asleep the instant he got to my arms.

Being put back onto IMV (ventilator) had me down so I decided to go to a group meeting at the hospital where you meet other NICU parents including ones who had 'graduated'. I was so looking forward to meeting some little premmies who had come through the other side. With Nico having made such slow progress and taking these backwards steps I needed a pep up Unfortunately Monday mornings are not a day I have anyone to care for Brooklyn and my husband was in bed with migraine so I couldn't even get him to rearrange his work schedule (he usually cares for her on Monday afternoon when I work and I was hoping he could extend this) so I had to take her. I managed to stay for 30 minutes before she had a tanty and we had to change scenery and visit Nico. I squeezed 20 minutes out of her there before I had to take her home.

One upside of having to take a day off work was I got to go back to the hospital that night and: SUCCESS!! He had just woken from a 3 hour nap and was wide awake... I got him all positioned and VOILA, he fed as if he done it a million times. Psychologically, it was the best possible feeling I could have ever hope for. He may as well have turned to me, opened his mouth and said "I will be ok, Mum, just give me some time" because that was the message I was getting. He sucked on and off for about 15 minutes and was wide away the whole time, just staring wide eyed. The nurse aspirated him afterward and got back 4mls so this was the proof we needed that he was doing everything right.

The next few days were hit and miss again... infact they were just miss except one more successful feed on Thursday... so much so that when the nurse topped him up... he possetted a fair bit back up as we had over filled him! Hurrah... further proof. He also weighed in at 2.6kg!!!
The doctors came around just as this was going on and asked me what I felt about how he was going. I told them quite honestly that I was worried about him still being on IMV ventilation as it seemed to unsettle him more and just because I felt it was a step back. Not because I said this, I am sure, but the doctor turned to the nurse and other doctors on the round and said "Let's put him back to CPAP" Yipee!!

Friday night, my second visit to the hospital for the day. I had a debate with the nurse for her all but telling me she was giving him a bottle and he was not breastfeeding. I am not anti bottle by any means, my daughter had a bottle once a day from 6 weeks old, but he had only had 2 successful feeds, I do not have issues with supply, I intend to feed him in the long run and I had not been expressing 4 hourly for 17 weeks to get him to confuse the poor wee man further by introducing a bottle to the mix so soon. I tried to subtly let her know that I didn't like the idea but ended up having to say quite strongly "No, I am not comfortable with him having a bottle at this stage" and I think we just agreed he would not have a suck feed today due to his grumpiness and up-and-down saturations.

I took him from his cot and gave him a bit of a cuddle, he had a bit of a grizzle, settled for a few minutes and then got more unsettled. I was watching his Sp02 (blood oxygen saturation) and it was slowly dropping to under 80%. I wait. No pick up. Under 70. Waiting, still no pick up. I look at his face, he is crying pretty hard but that's what babies do... I knew something was a bit wrong though. Under 60% looking at the nurse for my cues on when to start worrying. Under 50% "Come on Nico" I squeaked. He was still crying but going a funny colour. He was being given 100% oxygen through his prongs but it wasn't helping. He stopped crying. " I DON'T LIKE THIS!!" I said - maybe shouted - at the nurses as he got down to 40% then I noticed his heart rate... under 40bpm - usually it is 150bpm. I cracked, I burst into tears "Oh my god... now his heart's dropping too..." He was really pale and blue and had gone pretty still, though not like you would think he had gone or anything, I remember noticing he was stil moving his mouth around and probably his limbs a bit, I could not tell you. Anyway, I don't know what I was doing but I may have been screaming when I heard one nurse was telling his nurse to take him from me and get me out of the room for some air. I must've crossed paths with the doctor as I got lead out to a little room where I sat alone and just cried. After what could have been 3 hours but in reality was likely to have been 3-4 minutes, the nurse came in to tell me he was all fine and had come back after being given a few manual breaths through the ventilator.

I can honestly say, apart from the outcome not having been positive, I can not think of a worse situation to be in. Sitting with your baby in your arms as they struggle to stay...

But it WAS a positive outcome ultimately so we just have to focus on that. He was just as good as he had been before it happened. The next morning, he was better than he had been the whole day prior. I went in for most of the afternoon and we had the best feed of all. Again it was all about timing, he had had a good sleep, he was awake, he just latched on and that was that. I am still in awe that after 17 weeks of tube feeds, he just does it... I remember the same thought going throuh my head with Brooklyn who fed at 2 hours old. Seriously.. how do they know??? I think this was his way of telling me to cheer up and that he didn't mean to scare me.