Warning. Uncensored post. Not designed for warm fuzzies. Just letting my fingers type and see what comes out
Words hurt. Words can eat you from the inside out. This past 2 years certainly proved that to me.
GP: "An MPT. Medical pregnancy termination" (in response to my asking what I had just sat the ED for 8 hours waiting for, only to be sent back to my GP to tell him he was meant to make a booking)
Genetics specialist "Your baby is not compatible with life outside the womb" (not Nico, middle bub)
Sonographer "Your cervix is short and dilated which tells us you are likely having this baby sooner rather than later" (at 20 weeks pregnant)
Obstectrician "Probably better to go into labour in the mext 2 weeks, then it can be called a miscarriage"
Obstetrician "I would prefer it if your husband were here when I tell you this, but your waters have certainly broken and you are quite dilated" (the day I turned 23 weeks)
NICU nurse "We had to resuscitate him"
NICU nurse "Take him and get the mother out of here, quick."
I am getting pretty sick of these words, nesting in my head ... lurking in the back, seldom used corners. Like a spider you glance at now and then, expecting it to just go away if you leave it long enough... and to your surprise is still there, everysingle time, looking like it hasn't even moved.
We have our precious little miracle man and although he comes with a new set of words I would rather not hear, we have him. So now I just have to get rid of those cobwebs that are cluttering my brain and focus on the blessing that is my children, husband ... family and friends.
Words hurt. Words can eat you from the inside out. This past 2 years certainly proved that to me.
GP: "An MPT. Medical pregnancy termination" (in response to my asking what I had just sat the ED for 8 hours waiting for, only to be sent back to my GP to tell him he was meant to make a booking)
Genetics specialist "Your baby is not compatible with life outside the womb" (not Nico, middle bub)
Sonographer "Your cervix is short and dilated which tells us you are likely having this baby sooner rather than later" (at 20 weeks pregnant)
Obstectrician "Probably better to go into labour in the mext 2 weeks, then it can be called a miscarriage"
Obstetrician "I would prefer it if your husband were here when I tell you this, but your waters have certainly broken and you are quite dilated" (the day I turned 23 weeks)
NICU nurse "We had to resuscitate him"
NICU nurse "Take him and get the mother out of here, quick."
I am getting pretty sick of these words, nesting in my head ... lurking in the back, seldom used corners. Like a spider you glance at now and then, expecting it to just go away if you leave it long enough... and to your surprise is still there, everysingle time, looking like it hasn't even moved.
We have our precious little miracle man and although he comes with a new set of words I would rather not hear, we have him. So now I just have to get rid of those cobwebs that are cluttering my brain and focus on the blessing that is my children, husband ... family and friends.
I've just spent some time backreading your blog based on what you wrote in this post. No wonder you have what you call cobwebs. I don't really have the words to hand to say what I think, but I am in awe of you. I know you would say you don't have a choice probably, but I can see from these posts and photos just how loved and gorgeous your children are. Thank you for being honest and sharing. I can't imagine how traumatic the past couple of years have been.
ReplyDeleteI am going to have to do some more reading to know where you are coming from but it sounds to me like you have a heart full of feelings and great love for your children. I love that you are focusing on the positive and counting your blessings. Big hugs to you gorgeous. N x
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