DNR : Do Not Resuscitate

I think the title of this post is fair warning, it may not be an easy post to read... or write. As with most of what I write, unless it is a straight recount of an event, I have no idea where it is heading but I feel a need to get it out.

As we were walking from the ward to ICU in the early hours of Tuesday morning, I had the doctor say "We should have asked this earlier I suppose... do you have any specific instructions or wishes in regards to Nico's care?" I didn't really think about what he meant but I suppose I was thinking along the lines of are we opposed to blood transfusions and other possible beliefs based choices so I gave a nonchalant "Nah, we are fine, whatever" and didn't really think about it again.

It took about 2 days to hit me, everything that happened. At the time all the stuff was happening, the desaturatons, the increased oxygen, the Code Blue being called, I didn't think it was all that major and was totally calm. (Ridiculous I know!)  I don't know whether this is just residual desensitivity from the NICU days where things like this were just part of weekly life. Maybe it is just a protective function that my brain puts in place to cope with stresses.

After 3 nights on the ward and 2 nights in a recliner in ICU, I went home for a sleep in my own bed and it hit. HARD.

• Sp02 at 66% when I took hom to hospital on Sunday. How did I not know/ notice?? He should have been blue. Why wsn't he blue?
• He had pneumonia. Pneumonia!!!! Not a chill, not a cold, not a cough. PNEU-FRIKIN-MONIA.
• The Code Blue... it was a resuss of sorts, how did I just stand by so calmly and not really feel worried about whether we were losing Nico.
• He was in ICU. Intensive Care. That is NOT a normal part of a hospital admission.
• And then the worst, now unshakeable : How did I not realise that simple question "Do you have any specific instructions or wishes in regards to Nico's care?" was extremely loaded and had nothing to do with our religios beliefs but was asking if we wanted a Do Not Resuscitate on Nico's file or not.

Who gets asked that kind of question.. in real life? Isn't that only for movies?  How does a parent, how does ANYONE decide that? At the time of Nico's impending birth we were asked about this, in a way. What would we like doctors to do if Nico was born before 25/26 weeks? It was a simple decision then. If he came out fighting, fight with him. The alternative did not mentioning and thankfully did not happen. He fought. He was resussed 3 times in the NICU months but there was never a further discussion (thank you, God)

Each Geoff and I gave the doctors and answer, seperately. Thankfully our answer was the same as each others. If there is a chance that Nico will pull through with no further long term conditions, do what needs to be done. I don't know if I even really understand what a DNR means, not in its entirety. Nico needed a whole lot of oxygen when he had the Code Blue called. More than the ward could provide. If he had a DNR... would they not have taken to ICU and given more oxygen? Or would they not have intubated should it be needed... or ... or ... or...

On a much brighter note and a real, non hypothetical one, Nico got out of ICU today, still dependent on oxygen but a heap better. He will be home by weeks end and my aim is to do anything to keep him from ever being admitted again. Does anyone know where you can buy one of these:

(from vi.sualize.us)