Truth or Lies - censoring yourself

Now that I am reclaiming myself and daring to venture out of our house a bit more, I have encountered a hurdle. I haven't intentionally been avoiding this hurdle, I just hadn't thought of it:

People.
New people.
New people not connected to the hospital world
New people, not connected to the hospital world, who ask Nico's history
New people, not connected to the hospital world, who ask Nico's history,  look at his gorgeous face and say "But he is doing ok, isn't he?" or worse the statement "He will be fine!"

What do I answer?

Do I lie : "Yeah, he is great, he just needs some time and he will catch up"
Do I tell the truth: "No, actually he is not. He may very well never walk, talk, go to regular school or do anything remotely close to every regular parents hope and dreams for a child.We will never know until he does it"

I dont know which.

 

If I lie, I feel like I am in denial or worse: that I care what the person thinks and would be embarrassed in some way. The truth with this lie is, it is censorship... it is just easier that way for both of us, but inside I feel ill about it.

If I tell it like it is, then I sound like a sad sack / sympathy seeker and would pretty much kill the rest of the conversation.

I am going with a vague "Oh look, he has issues but we will get there" which is all very lovely but if someone said it to me and I was genuinely interested, I'd take as being evasive and sounds like a request to change the subject.

How do you answer difficult questions... no let me rephrase that... what do you do when the answer is difficult? Do you censor yourself?

Princess Brooklyn - 3y + 1m

Dear Brooklyn,

You started dancing this month, at a school I mean. It has definately been the highlight of your month. Maybe even your year. You and your two little friends look so beautiful in your leotards, skirts, tights and shoes. It is a mix of ballet, jazz and tap and in June you will be putting on a mid year show for us. I can't wait!

Fairy wings not really part of it!

Your new found independence has now extended to making sandwiches. You have to do it yourself most of the time but under supervision of course. I have taught you to hold the bread flat on one hand and the knife in the other, and you are great at scooping out peanut butter... the rest of the process you are still mastering. The idea of holding the knife flat to spread the peanut butter doesn't quite register so you hold it the same position you would to cut the bread. It makes for a rather lumpy sandwich with tufts of bread missing but I am sure it tastes better than anything I make you.

Hey Brooklyn, guess what?

I love you

xx Mama xx

Brooklyn quotes of the month

"Yes Mama, I am tall ... but my head is small, it needs to get bigger so I can touch the ceiling"

"Phew, that's beda. now the hot weather won't ged in my eyes!" (as you put your sunglasses on)

Nana Shona is over staying with us again to escape the earthquakes. You make her laugh every day, but I think you filled me in on a secret she didn't expect you to talk about.

"Nana Shona can take out her teeth!!"... "They not real teeth though. They just p'etend."

Grateful for sleep

Those who know me know, I get little sleep. Those who don't know me and read this, have probably guessed that too, given the fact that I bought a domain name called Sleep Deprived Mum

Now, I am still sleep deprived (thank goodness.. I have no back up name, whatever would I do!) but...

I have been getting sleep!! Mini Miracle, the boy who never sleeps, has taken to giving us approximately 4 night a week with only 2 wake ups after 10 pm!! Sometimes even just the one. One night, he slept from 8pm to 5.30am. Of course that was the night I was lying in bed wide awake with aches and pains, but that is beside the point.

This leaves 3 nights where there are more than this, and sometimes it is the hourly wake ups that we have come to know and ... not love. But I am still grateful. No big surprises that due to this sleep, i am much better equipped to tackle the days.

Thank you little man, I am so grateful for the sleep. I feel like much less of a zombie

Better go and think of another name for my blog site incase this continues, or shock horror improves even

.Join in Maxabella's bloghop, be grateful!

Grateful for every little thing

What an awful few weeks... months even... it has been at this end of the world  in all corners of the globe.

Quakes in Christchurch, floods in Queensland (and most other states of Australia), quakes in Japan and the aftermath of those quakes: the tsunamis around the Pacific and the nuclear emergency at Fukushima...


http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/gallery/2011/feb/22/new-zealand-earthquake-in-pictures



There is nothing else I could possibly be more grateful for today than "my world". My husband, my children, all my family, my friends, my home... 

I can go to the shops and buy what I need (not everything I want but...) and know that I will not suddenly be charged $10 for a loaf of bread or litre of milk. Ok, $9.98 for a kg bananas is a rip off too but it is one I can understand and an item I can live without.

I can breath clean air and I can leave the house without fear. No fear for my health nor for my safety.

I can sleep at night without being terrified, waiting for the next onslaught of shaking.

I can walk through my city, my suburb, and recognise it. There are no broken buildings, there is no silt covering everything

http://lazacode.com/around-the-globe/10000-people-missing-in-japanese-port-afp

I can turn on my TV, see the devastation, be devastated and ensure family and friends are ok... then switch over and watch my favourite show or go and make a cup of tea, and all but forget about it.

It almost feels like this is a really bad movie we are all stuck in. A movie with a totally unbelievable plot about disaster after disaster. The only difference being, I am not a heroine trying to save the world as everything crumbles around me, just missing me by millimetres. I am an onlooker. Helpless. Unable to do anything but watch and shed tears.

To read other peoples  "Grateful for..."  head to the blog hop

http://maxabellaloves.blogspot.com/search/label/Grateful

Dear Nico - 17 Months

Dear Nico

We are so happy to be getting many more smiles and giggles from you this month. You have burst into hysterical laughter at the silliest things and when you do, you use your whole body. Brooklyn loves it and announces your laughter to whoever is around, just incase we didn't hear. This is a pic from just before you got your NG tube out, I think Brooklyn's face shows how much she loves you. (Note to self: fix the pic soon!)

You have lost your phobia of your bedroom, thank goodness. We have had quite a few nights where you have only woken 2-3 times at night... and even a couple with only ONE wake up. THANK YOU!! It is nice to know you can do it and even better to think that if it is pain that makes you wake, the pain is easing.

Early Intervention at Biala has picked you up off the waiting list. It's is a mixture of therapists and a playgroup. The physio comes to the house every 2-3 weeks too. The main focus for you is to get you playing. We want you to be able to reach, hit and grab things so are doing lots of work on that. You are already bringing your arms inwards much more than you have been, instead of having them extended out to the side all the time. I even think you might have started playing peek a boo, but you don't quite get your hands all the way to your eyes. You lift them to your cheeks, put them down and give a huge smile.

You have put on close to a kilo this month and reached the 8kg mark. Since leaving hospital 9 months ago, you have put on 3kg which isn't much for a bub. You are still not even close the 3 percentile weight chart for your "corrected" age of 13 months but you are approaching the 5th percentile for length which makes me smile. Somehow my family's height gene skipped me but at least it appears my children got it :D You are eating 2 meals a day of mushy food and I give you some "real" stuff too, like toast, rockmelon and apple. You are getting pretty good at chewing but it is pretty tiresome for me to have to hold it at your mouth for you, so that's another reason we are working on hand control!

You will get your PEG tube changed to a little button in mid April... the day before your 18 month birthday. It will make it som much more comfortable for you to be on your tummy and a lot easier for us so pick you up and hold you too. Something to look forward to.

Love you much

Mama

Reclaiming Me

I have beem missing for about 18 months now, maybe even longer. The last 10 months, since having Nico home, even more so. I am not sure anyone noticed the exact time I left, I certainly didn't. It was a slow disappearance and it wasn't until I started to have a little time to be me, that I realised just how completely lost I was.

It had become such a effort to leave the house, I just didn't. I would go to medical appointments, to the supermarket and mothers group. The idea of going to a shopping mall made me feel ill.

Why?
1: Nico needed a sleep every 2 hours and feeding every 3 hours - he doesn't sleep in car or pram and feeds take an hour. Since lack of sleep and lack of growth were major problems, there was no flexibility in this.
2:  What if Nico had a screaming episode when we were there. They could last 2 hours, happened 3 -5 times a day and were so intense that I couldn't hold him, he couldn't stay in the pram and it would be near on impossible to manouvre him into a car seat to escape.

OK. So there was no shopping, that's hardly losing yourself but if you imagine a mix of feeling trapped in the house and wanting to break free, mixed with bordering on agoraphobia where I didn't even want to be in the outside world... you may be able to imagine the knock on effect this had.

Anything I previously did for myself was gone. Whether it be cafes with a friend or go to the hairdresser, it just didn't happen. Gym memberships were not renewed. Going to the beach, hanging out in the sun watching friends play cricket, having a Sunday drive... all gone.

Now things have settled a little bit, I am claiming myself back, just a tiny bit at a time.

This year, I started blogging again and although it is within the walls of my home, I am not doing it for anyone but me. Because I love to write.

6 weeks ago, hubby and I went to a grown ups party for a friend of mine. I almost backed out a few times, thinking I would rather just go to a movie. The idea of having to talk to new people was that daunting for me. What would I have to say? All I ever do it look after my kids. But I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone, had a fab and was gutted we had to leave so early to get back for the babysitter.

2-3 weeks ago I got myself this site and am having a whole lot of fun designing it. I am learning new skills and discovering that I like it.

Last week, I booked Zumba classes for me and 2 friends. Yes, I'd love to get in shape again but more importantly, I will be leaving the house and doing something for not other reason than "because I want to."

Not that I have been into caking inch thick make-up on daily make up for a few years now but today, I bought make-up to replace the gazillion year old stuff I have in the top drawer.

Maybe in a month or two, maybe three, I will look in the mirror and see myself again, instead of Sleep Deprived Mum.

Knock Knock. Go away.

Knock knock. I am on the phone, my son is on the bench in his chair, I am cooking my daughters dinner. I don't ignore the knock, I just open the door, take one look at the smart-casual dressed young man with a folder in his hand, say "GO AWAY!" and slam the door before he even has time to say "Hel..."

This is not entirely true. There was a knock on the door. I was on the phone. Nico was on the bench. I was cooking Brooklyn dinner. I didn't ignore the knock and I did open the door and take a look at the young man. Unfortunately, the important part of the story is where it all goes wrong.

I have fallen for the electricity salesman before. I have turned them away before. I have argued at the front door with them that telling me "No, we are not trying to change your electricity provider. You still have the same power, just your bills come from someone else" but today... I was fooled.

" Hi! We are just going around letting people know something important that has happened. You would have got a letter a few weeks ago about the price increases for electricity?"

" Ah-ha "

" Well, that was a mistake, if you are on one kind of meter, that shouldn't be the case. So we are just registering those houses and getting in touch with their electricity company to let them know the rates you should be on and they have 10 days to comply and give you the better rate, or we step in and ensure you get the rate "

I was hooked. For 5 or 10 minutes I stood there as he took all the relevent information before I saw the form. Instantly recognisable as an energy transfer order. ARRRRRG. In my mind I began seething but I couldn't bring myself to have wasted the last 10 minutes and say "Go Away". Maybe I am too polite, maybe the young man had been too charming and I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Either way, I decided to stick it out, see what the rates were and see what my company could do for me, the loyal-for-6-years consumer. Thankfully, the time I spent at the door was not entirely wasted as my current company did come to the party and give me a lower rate*. Brooklyn's dinner was not burnt and I got Nico off the bench in the first few minutes of the conversation. All was not lost, and I saved some money... so will I listen nex time? NOT A CHANCE .... but I am thinking I might send Brooklyn to the door with a totally age inappropriate sentence to recite.



*after 2 x 10 minute hold times and a further 20 minute discussion.

Why I am jealous.

Before I even start, I want to clarify that what I am about to write, I know is irrational. I know he isn't doing anything wrong, but I am still jealous. We are in a crappy situation at the moment and he is getting just as much of a raw deal as I am. Working crazy hours and spending his weekend looking after the kids while I work. But I am still jealous. I love him and do as much as I can to make his life easier, but I am still jealous. This is meant as a light piece of entertainment based on truth, not an anti male campaign.

I am jealous of my husband. On a daily basis. At various times.

My husband gets up at whatever time he needs to to get to work on time. He leaves himself 30 minutes to get ready, gets up, says hi to us, heads straight for the shower, gets dressed and goes. Some days, once every few weeks,  he is too tired and decides to do the morning's work at the end of the day, or the next day so that he doesn't have to get up for another hour or so.

He goes to work for the day and often evening. He gets a restaurant cooked meal once per day as the company owns the restaurant next door and is home around 6.30pm 2 x week and 10 pm 2 x week.

He gets home 3 workdays a week when the children are awake. I am frazzled from the madness that is looking after Nico and aforementioned chaotic dinnertime. All I want to do is remove crankypants from my lap/hip but of course husband has "just walked in the door" and just wants "ten minutes".

After we have dinner together, and spend a bit of time together, he says "I am tired, I am off to bed" and off he goes. Until morning, when he wakes up whenever he decides he needs to, to get to work at an ok time.


- Jealous point #1. He gets to have a shower without any planning or a preschooler nagging to get in too. He doesn't have his ears set to "ultra sensitive" and turn off the shower every minute because he thinks he heard one of the kids scream/ fall/ bang

- Jealous point #2.  He has flexibility in his day. If he really can't be bothered, he just reschedules things, either in his mind, or with someone else. Try negotiating the days schedule with a 3 year old and a 17 month old with special needs.

- Jealous point #3  He misses the countless hours of Nico's grumbles, our threenages tantrums, dinnertime chaos and screaming as I try to get food prepared for both Brooklyn and the wee man. During the week he is talking to people... people who are not doctors/ nurses/ anything to do with the medical profession. He doesn't have to sort the logistics of medical appointments or toy with whether or not to take the preschooler.

- Jealous point #4 He has a chef to cook for him once a day. Enough said.

- Jealous point #5 He gets to have a break after work on top of the breaks legislation gives employees in their work day. When is my break? Come to think of it.. when is the end of my day?
(see note at top of post. I don't think he is not entitled to want 10 minutes but... still jealous)

- Jealous point #6 He gets to choose when he wants to go to bed. He doesn't have to think about when Nico's next feed is due, make up bottles, ensure that all the parts of the feeding pump are cleana nd ready to go.


Then of course there are the work functions, taking clients to events and sports. My inner child comes out and although I really do want him to go... I pout and whine "IIIIIIIIIIIIIII want to go toooooooooooooo, I never get to go anywhere!" (I know, I may as well stomp my feet too)

Is it just because of the extreme situation we are found in? Is the lack of sleep clouding my view of reality? In terms of daily routines, it seems that mens lives change very little when children come along. Do you have times where you get jealous of your partner, knowing that it is completely irrational but can't stop yourself?

Grateful for photos

It's Grateful time again and this week I am so grateful for photos.

I am a pretty sentimental person. I love to keep things that remind of places I have been or people in my past. If I were crafty enough I would be a scrapbooker and keep tickets, invites, cards etc but I am not. In the slightest.

This week we are trying to clear some space in our spare room for my mother in law to stay. She is from Christchurch and although her flat is fine, she is very anxious just being in the city. We don't knwo how long she is going to stay so want to give her the option of unpacking her suitcase.

Yesterday the wardrobe could barely open without ... well...stuff falling out, albeit neatly packed and stacked. Is it just me, or do modern houses have next to no storage outside of wardrobes? Today it is almost all under our pergola or in my bedroom. Some will be binned, some will be donated and next to none will be kept. Gone will be all the teeny tiny clothes my mini miracle wore. Gone will be the beautiful little dresses Brooklyn wore as a toddler. No more giant exersaucer Nanny bought for Brooklyn and we saved for Nico. He wasn't allowed to use it due to head control and the fact that they supposedly encourage tip toe walking.

So I am grateful for photos today. I am grateful that because of photos, I will not forget how beautiful Brooklyn looked in this dress, without having to find it in the wardrobe.

or how TINY little Nico was at 10 days old, even though the hat is gone.

I can still "see" my fabulous friends and family in NZ even if I don't visit for a very long time.

And I can never forget what I was wearing and how I felt when this happened... 6 years ago, almost to the day!

Happy Engagement Anniversary (approximately) Husband xx

WE HAVE MOVED!!!

My Little Miracle has moved to :

http://www.sleepdeprivedmum.com/

Come and follow us there !!!!!!!!!!!