Princess Brooklyn - 3y + 3m

Dear Brooklyn

Times goes slower as you get older. Opa (My grandad) had a hypothesis that time went slower because it was a smaller proportion of your life as a whole. You have had your brother half your life now... and he has been home more than a quarter of it. You have no understanding of Nico's issues. To you, he is just a baby like everyone elses little brother/sister. You have some great philosophies of why Nico doesn't do things that you do.

On why Nico doesn't eat real food "He can't eat apple! he hasn't got enough teeth"

On teething "Look, Nico is getting more and more teeth! He will be able to eat food like me soon"

On walking: "My feet are big. Nico's feet are small. When his feet get big, he will walk like a big boy."

On talking: "Nico is a baby. Babies don't talk"

I love the innocence and I can't bring myself to explain to you that Nico may never walk or talk. I know you love him and know you , like us, will love him regardless. I just prefer to keep your idealistic view of the world where although you know about hospitals, meds and oxygen, you know nothing of illness, diability or death.

A few weeks ago, the news was on while we were having dinner. I tried to distract you but you are a sponge.

"Mama... umm... that man did kill that ladies girl. Why did that man did kill that gir?"

What do you say to a gorgeous 3 year old princess asking that question? You thank the lord she doesn't actually know what "kill" means and she is happy with the answer of "he is not a nice man, and it was very naughty so the policeman got him."

You also caught a glimpse of a lady in labour and asked why she was screaming. I explained she was having a baby and it hurts your tummy when you have a baby. This was about two months ago. A few days ago, I told you Luana had to go to the doctor because she had a sore tummy. You asked why and I said that the doctors were not sure but they were trying to help. "I know why! Maybe a liiitle baby did come out!!" and you were so excited.

Imaginitive play is your biggest pastime. you love making your toys have conversations and at bedtime I have to use Lion to talk to you. "Brrrrrrooklyn?" (Nod, giggle giggle) "Are you a bear?" (shake your head) Are you sure? Do bears have eyes? YOU have eyes!!" (giggle giggle) "Do bears have arms? YOU have arms!! You must be a bear!" (dooubled over - NO!) "No? Well, do bears have a mouth? You have a mouth! Do bears have a wet nose? YOU have a wet nose!!!" (and I lick your nose) and you're in hysterics.

Anyway

Hey Brooklyn... Guess what?
I love you.

Mama

Dear Nico - 19 months

Dear Nico,

It has now been a year since you came home. It really was the best day ever, even knowing what I know now... about life and how it is. That day, the day Brooklyn was born and our wedding day. The day you were born, the joy that usually comes with childbirth was there to some extent but it was overshadowed by fear, uncertainty, doubt and worry.

Until the day you came home, it never really lifted. The heavy cloud dissappated to a light mist but it was always there. Every trip to the hospital, every application of the avaguard, every step through the glass doors into that NICU bubble... all a reminder that the rug could be pulled from under our feet at any moment and we could be dropped a few "bays" and the wait for your homecoming could be longer.

A year down the track, at almost 19 months old, I got to spend my first mothers day with my little family all together. You must have known it was important as you gave me a decent sleep and had a restful day. I was not well that weekend but when I got myself together, we took a drive down to Phillip Island to spend some time out as a family. This is a very rare occurance but again, you put on your best face and we had a great day at the chocolate factory and having Fish n Chips by the pier at San Remo. We got to see a seal diving for fish and tried to show you but we were to slow by the time we got you out of your chair, it didn't resurface anywhere we could see it.

As for the rest of the month, we have increased your solid food and mostly you enjoy it. Lumpy stuff still makes you gag though. Nights have been up and down, we have had some shockers where you like to ensure that I see every hour on the clock through the night. We have had some good ones where I have only gotten up once or twice. A few nights aog it was just once and while having a break from your bottle, Veuve came into your room to visit. She kept poking her head over the foot stool and had you in hysterics. My favourite sound in the whole world.

Love you my little man
Mama

Practical Parenting Magazine makes me reflect

I got interviewed by Practical Parenting magazine this week. It's nice to be able to share our story and reflect on how far we have come.

The focus of the story was going to be living with sleep deprivation but I am not sure if I was able to give enough insightful commentary on that side of things. Not because I don't know enough about it but because after a mediocre night, at 10am when they called, my brain hadn't woken up and I felt like I was sturuggling to put coherant sentences together

It's funny how speaking to a person not involved in the situation makes you realise how insane it must seem from an outsiders perspective.

What goes through your mind when havnig a baby at 5 months pregnant? How do you not end up in a psych ward after over 7 months of daily hospital visits? How do you not fall asleep at the wheel driving to countless medical appointments weeks of waking every hour or two?

Hearing the story come out of my mouth, I know it all sounds incredibly traumatic and difficult. If you follow my blog, it must sound like my life is awful and how do I drag myself out of bed every day. It was probably pretty traumatic, I won't pretend like it was ordinary, but even at the time I remember thinking "This should be a lot harder, there should be more misery and more prolonged tears". Reality is, life continues around you and you get sucked up into it.

I remember so clearly, the day my Opa (grandfather) died, I looked out the window into the traffic and was honest to god shocked that the rest of the world was just going about its daily business. How dare those people not have cancelled their plans for the day. Who was that insensitive couple laughing as they walked past. The feeling lasted a few days. I had the same thing for a little bit with Nico, but not long... Brooklyn's life went on as per normal and therefore mine did too. I would have loved to curl up foetal position in bed and not get up for days just to recover, but on top of 19 month old Brooklyn's needs, there was expressing to be done, trips to the hospital had to be made. I was grateful for the To Do list, it gave me direction I needed toget back into life... and apart from not living with my newborn baby and having to visit him, life felt normal within a few weeks. It stayed feeling normal most days of the entire 7 months.

So I know I use my blog as an outlet and therefore I most likely write more about the crappy side as that is the bit that needs outing. I don't want anyone thinking I get out of bed in the morning and lead a miserable existance, feel sorry for myself and only face the day because I have to. I get huge amounts of joy from both kids and as hard as it is dragging myself out of bed after 3-6 hours of broken sleep, most of the time by mid nappy-change-upon-Nicos-wake-up, there is a smile on my face as I curse his cheeky grin and how he looks like he has just woken from 12 straight hours of sleep.