I'm on a train. Like right now as I type this, I'm sitting on a train. We just went past The Hospital and I just wanted to be there. With Nico.
I'd swap this "easier" life in a heartbeat for a lifetime of hospital stays. (Totally unfair to Nico... But allowed to be selfish here)
For 50,000 sleepless nights.
For a house filled with hoists, tracks and equipment.
For 1,000,000 feeding tubes and nappy changes.
And I'm so angry right now. Angry that instead I'm on a train, heading to the city for work with replays of That Day in my head. Wondering why he didn't go back to That Hospital when he died. Why South Melbourne. Remembering sitting outside in the back yard to avoid seeing him being taken away. Trying hard to remember what toy we sent with him and feeling sick at how lonely he would be.
I feel like I'm going through these steps of grief in all the wrong order. I've done shock. I've done acceptance. Now I'm back at Anger.
I'd swap this "easier" life in a heartbeat for a lifetime of hospital stays. (Totally unfair to Nico... But allowed to be selfish here)
For 50,000 sleepless nights.
For a house filled with hoists, tracks and equipment.
For 1,000,000 feeding tubes and nappy changes.
And I'm so angry right now. Angry that instead I'm on a train, heading to the city for work with replays of That Day in my head. Wondering why he didn't go back to That Hospital when he died. Why South Melbourne. Remembering sitting outside in the back yard to avoid seeing him being taken away. Trying hard to remember what toy we sent with him and feeling sick at how lonely he would be.
I feel like I'm going through these steps of grief in all the wrong order. I've done shock. I've done acceptance. Now I'm back at Anger.
