New normal

The week after that day was a bit of a blur... but everyone was AMAZING!

We got a friend to rally the troops that night and had several wines, tears and giggles. The thought of being alone in our house with the 3 of us, it just didn't feel right. The next few days were spent in a haze of dealing with coroners and the funeral director. My family had book their flights and were arriving Monday night but with no word from the coroner on when they would release Nico, we were feeling a bit stressed at the possibility of Nico not being at the funeral (due to needing a proper autopsy) but decided it had to be on Friday regardless so there was a lot of back and forward. Our lovely neighbour helped us fit the family into our house by letting our housemate move into their caravan for the week and Brooklyn was excited to sleep in Nico's room in the 'cool' hospital bed that goes up and down.

Friends were calling to lock in times to come and see us, flowers were arriving every few hours and the sideboard was covered in cards. It was like Grand Central Station with all the comings and goings and our kitchen was overflowing with groceries, meals and baking. It was heartwarming and so much more appreciated than I could ever express.

After the funeral was over and my family had left, we ran away to Woodend, just out of Melbourne to a farm where Very Special Kids have two cottages (houses really) for their families to use. We had a friend and her two kids come for the first few days. We weren't ready to go from surrounded by people to totally alone - we thought it would be a better transition, especially for Brooklyn if we eased our way down to that. And after a few more days of being there with just our little family... we came home.

Walking in the door again felt like being suffocated. I found myself walking the long way around the house to avoid Nico's bedroom. Everything was just quiet. There was nothing I HAD to do any more. I knew within hours that I was going to be calling work on Monday and asking to come back immediately... and I did. Just every second day.

Monday was fine. Wednesday was good... and then it was Friday. By this time Geoff had completely emptied Nico's room, painted and set it up as my office, just because he wanted to be doing something. I started work at 9 am just fine, but when it reached 9.30, it was all too deja vu. Friday, That Day was a Friday and I was working at 930 That Day. Nico's funeral was on a Friday. How?? How could Nico have died 3 weeks ago, and we had his funeral 2 weeks ago, and now its been 3 weeks and I have been back a week already AND his room is an office?  I took a few minutes to compose myself and told my boss that today may just have to be a half day. I got through it but I didn't feel right.  Its that whole notion that the world is meant to stop again. How dare I, of all people, how dare I be back at work and going about my business like everything was right in the world when clearly it was not.

Now its been almost two months. Two months without our little man. I still think of him every hour of the day, yes literally. Not in a I-just-want-to-cry way but more like a dull constant ache as I live my New Normal.

Miracle. Angel. Star.

There is a whole post to write before this one... But that one will take time as it will encompass the last 6 weeks and how life goes from normal, to upside down and back to new-normal. This one is about one day that goes from normal to amazing. So it comes first

Nico was born a miracle. We knew this from day one. He held on until the day I ticked over to 24 weeks and all 700g of him fought to show the doctors he was worth fighting for. He showed off and had to have the 'best' of the ICU machinery. He didn't care for the regular ventilation.... He wanted the one that gave him 900 breaths so fast his body shook. Why let the nurses put a drip in your limbs when it would look so much cooler in your skull. He earnt a reputation early on in the NICU as being a trouble maker and never doing what was expected.... Good or bad. He had to do it his way instead. This pattern pretty much continued the rest of his too-short life.

Bored of miracle and hero status... Nico chose to graduate to Angel earlier than anyone would have wished. But it seems Angel was not high enough a title for our Mr Monster...

About a week after Nico died, I got a text from a friend telling me she had some spare tickets to a gala night in about a months time and she'd like us to have them. Obviously she was worried we would hide in the house and was trying to get us out with this kind gesture, and we were happy to say yes. A few extra friends said they were coming too and we thought nothing of it.

As the date approached and we got more info, we found it was a fundraiser for Humanitarian Clowns. I thought briefly it was weird for someone to get free tickets to a fundraiser... Especially as it was a 2 course meal, not just entry to a band or something, but then I figured her friend was part of the Association and slipped her a couple of freebies.

On the night, we turned up and there was a buzz of  'Oh, this is Nicole's table, follow me, let me take you through, welcome welcome!' And we were taken to front and centre table - yay - good to know someone on the inside! Had we have been the first to arrive, I may have noticed our prettier table cloth, nicer vase and wine glasses which may or may not have been on the other tables... considering it was a BYO event. A fairy approached us several times ensuring we were all happy and advising us they had wine and beer for us if we wanted. Still no alarm bells ringing that at a BYO event we paid nothing for, there were free drinks offered. I genuinely thought it was either the same as everyone or because my friend Nic knew one of the girls. Dessert got brought to our table on plates... Yet everyone else was lining up. I noticed allllllll these things. And still I thought nothing much of it. I didn't even find it weird that an absent friend, for no apparent reason text me saying she hoped we were having a fantastic night AND commented on FB that she wished she was there. I just thought she was having a crappy night at work.

After /during desert, Tim who founded the Humanitarian Clowns did a presentation of their history and work. There were trips to Africa, treks through India, helping houseless people in Melbourne and now their new Random Acts of Clowness in memory of Tyler Shaw who was killed in a car accident. Geoff and I were quietly weeping during all this, then as we are trying to wipe away tears as you could feel the speech closing we hear something along the lines of:

"And there are some special people here tonight who don't even know why they are here... Why they are receiving the VIP treatment..." (Penny is still not entirely dropping but it is wobbling) " when we heard of the loss of their son Nico we had to do something for them... So Kazz and Geoff, we have bought a star in Nico's name.....(no idea what else was said here) ... And also for your daughter, we heard she loves to dance so we have organised a year of dance classes and also a beautiful fairy dancing dress"

I can't even start to explain how amazing, surreal and beautiful it all was or is... So I won't even try. I just hope my amazing friend who organised this, Tim and his Humantarian Clowns my other amazing friends who kept it from me, please just know how much we appreciate it and love them xxxx (and all the rest who had nothing to do with this too... But you'll get a different blog post soon)

He has always been a star, but now he is a real one and we have a certificate to prove it. It can't giggle the magical giggle I miss so much. I can't give it the hugs I desperately want to give again... but it can twinkle in the sky and remind us he is never gone.

Nico has completed his journey from Miracle to Angel to Star...