New normal

The week after that day was a bit of a blur... but everyone was AMAZING!

We got a friend to rally the troops that night and had several wines, tears and giggles. The thought of being alone in our house with the 3 of us, it just didn't feel right. The next few days were spent in a haze of dealing with coroners and the funeral director. My family had book their flights and were arriving Monday night but with no word from the coroner on when they would release Nico, we were feeling a bit stressed at the possibility of Nico not being at the funeral (due to needing a proper autopsy) but decided it had to be on Friday regardless so there was a lot of back and forward. Our lovely neighbour helped us fit the family into our house by letting our housemate move into their caravan for the week and Brooklyn was excited to sleep in Nico's room in the 'cool' hospital bed that goes up and down.

Friends were calling to lock in times to come and see us, flowers were arriving every few hours and the sideboard was covered in cards. It was like Grand Central Station with all the comings and goings and our kitchen was overflowing with groceries, meals and baking. It was heartwarming and so much more appreciated than I could ever express.

After the funeral was over and my family had left, we ran away to Woodend, just out of Melbourne to a farm where Very Special Kids have two cottages (houses really) for their families to use. We had a friend and her two kids come for the first few days. We weren't ready to go from surrounded by people to totally alone - we thought it would be a better transition, especially for Brooklyn if we eased our way down to that. And after a few more days of being there with just our little family... we came home.

Walking in the door again felt like being suffocated. I found myself walking the long way around the house to avoid Nico's bedroom. Everything was just quiet. There was nothing I HAD to do any more. I knew within hours that I was going to be calling work on Monday and asking to come back immediately... and I did. Just every second day.

Monday was fine. Wednesday was good... and then it was Friday. By this time Geoff had completely emptied Nico's room, painted and set it up as my office, just because he wanted to be doing something. I started work at 9 am just fine, but when it reached 9.30, it was all too deja vu. Friday, That Day was a Friday and I was working at 930 That Day. Nico's funeral was on a Friday. How?? How could Nico have died 3 weeks ago, and we had his funeral 2 weeks ago, and now its been 3 weeks and I have been back a week already AND his room is an office?  I took a few minutes to compose myself and told my boss that today may just have to be a half day. I got through it but I didn't feel right.  Its that whole notion that the world is meant to stop again. How dare I, of all people, how dare I be back at work and going about my business like everything was right in the world when clearly it was not.

Now its been almost two months. Two months without our little man. I still think of him every hour of the day, yes literally. Not in a I-just-want-to-cry way but more like a dull constant ache as I live my New Normal.