Guilt in grief

For smiling and laughing.

For working and functioning and talking to people in such a normal manner they would never have guessed the traumatic event you're going through.

For walking past a bedroom door without flinching.

For not realising it's Friday again and not thinking  'It's been 9 weeks'.

For even just wondering when you will make it past the 16th of the month without counting it off. (Will you only do month counts until one year? Or will it be sooner? Or longer?)

For smiling when remembering the laughter the speed bumps on this road caused.

For not having any idea how to answer the question 'How many children do you have?'

For feeling like an attention seeker deciding to mention your child's (recent) death to someone new.

For going on holiday and remembering how much more difficult the airport was last time, with wheelchairs, feeding pumps and 10 litres of ready made formula.

For being able to watch this video and feel warmth and smile as well as cry.