I have beem missing for about 18 months now, maybe even longer. The last 10 months, since having Nico home, even more so. I am not sure anyone noticed the exact time I left, I certainly didn't. It was a slow disappearance and it wasn't until I started to have a little time to be me, that I realised just how completely lost I was.
It had become such a effort to leave the house, I just didn't. I would go to medical appointments, to the supermarket and mothers group. The idea of going to a shopping mall made me feel ill.
Why?
1: Nico needed a sleep every 2 hours and feeding every 3 hours - he doesn't sleep in car or pram and feeds take an hour. Since lack of sleep and lack of growth were major problems, there was no flexibility in this.
2: What if Nico had a screaming episode when we were there. They could last 2 hours, happened 3 -5 times a day and were so intense that I couldn't hold him, he couldn't stay in the pram and it would be near on impossible to manouvre him into a car seat to escape.
OK. So there was no shopping, that's hardly losing yourself but if you imagine a mix of feeling trapped in the house and wanting to break free, mixed with bordering on agoraphobia where I didn't even want to be in the outside world... you may be able to imagine the knock on effect this had.
Anything I previously did for myself was gone. Whether it be cafes with a friend or go to the hairdresser, it just didn't happen. Gym memberships were not renewed. Going to the beach, hanging out in the sun watching friends play cricket, having a Sunday drive... all gone.
Now things have settled a little bit, I am claiming myself back, just a tiny bit at a time.
This year, I started blogging again and although it is within the walls of my home, I am not doing it for anyone but me. Because I love to write.
6 weeks ago, hubby and I went to a grown ups party for a friend of mine. I almost backed out a few times, thinking I would rather just go to a movie. The idea of having to talk to new people was that daunting for me. What would I have to say? All I ever do it look after my kids. But I pushed myself beyond my comfort zone, had a fab and was gutted we had to leave so early to get back for the babysitter.
2-3 weeks ago I got myself this site and am having a whole lot of fun designing it. I am learning new skills and discovering that I like it.
Last week, I booked Zumba classes for me and 2 friends. Yes, I'd love to get in shape again but more importantly, I will be leaving the house and doing something for not other reason than "because I want to."
Not that I have been into caking inch thick make-up on daily make up for a few years now but today, I bought make-up to replace the gazillion year old stuff I have in the top drawer.
Maybe in a month or two, maybe three, I will look in the mirror and see myself again, instead of Sleep Deprived Mum.
One tiny step at a time.... Every little bit counts...
ReplyDelete