Nico was my Litle Fighter. Brooklyn is my Survivor. Literally and figuratively.
What does death look like, feel like, taste like to a 6 year old? I still have no idea. But here is how Brooklyn has been dealing with losing her brother.
When she came from school That Day, she dropped her bag in her room and sat at the bench for a snack. "Where's Nico??" was quite LITERALLY the first thing she said. "We 'll talk about it after your snack" we told her. "But just where is he?" "Just eat, darling"
I had called our Family Support Worker at Very Special Kids to get some input on how we should tackle this. Don't say passed away. Don't mention sleeping in any context. Say died and explain why/how.
"So,you know how Nico's body didn't work very well? And how his lungs were really not strong? (she nods and tells/shows us how her lungs are REALLY strong) ''And you know lungs and breathing are really important? Well today Nico's lungs stopped working and he died. The doctors couldn't help him anymore. And he died. The ambulance had to take him away so he isn't here anymore and they're not going to bring him back"
She had a little cry. She gave us big cuddles and she went off to the playroom. I have no memory of suggesting she do it, but the next thing she did was go and draw a picture of the four of us. She turned and said "So... Did the ambulance just take Nico to hospital.... or did he really die?" I told her he had died and the ambulance took him to another place, not the hospital. After that, she drew one of just herself with us and told me this was her new little family. I wanted to scream. I wasn't processing this quite as quickly as she was.
She tells me she misses him regularly. She tells me she doesn't want anyone else in her family to die. But she does these both in a matter of fact way. Not a distressed way.
She's more than happy to talk about him, if he didn't come up on conversation at least twice a week I'd be surprised. She knows he's not "off limits" and that she won't make us sad or mad by talking about him. We laugh about things he would do, we point out things he would love. It makes my heart happy to have her so comfortable... But it worried me too. I don't want her to be The Girl Whose Brother Died. And then this happened:
At the end of last school year, she spent an afternoon with her next class and teacher. I asked her about the day and she said "We had tell about who we lived with and who was in our family. I said I didn't have any brothers or sisters and it was you, me and Dad"
My heart shattered to a million pieces... But I scrambled to put them back together and smiled "That's fine darling, why did you decide to say that?" And her response couldn't have been more simple "I just didn't want to tell about Nico". That a (then) 6 year old already has the intrinsic sense of privacy and withholding things for certain situations and audiences...
She has carried so much on her just-turned-7 old shoulders since she was 18 months old. Me being in hospital for the best part of a month before Nico. 7 plus months of me farming her to friends for half the day while I visited Nico... 2 days short of 4 years living with her brother who needed our full care, whose needs had to outweigh hers 80% of the time and whose appointments she was dragged to with little complaint. You'd think that would be enough for her to have some kind of issues, resentment or rebellion towards us or life in general. Now add coming home from school to be told that her brother, whom she loved so dearly and fiercely protected had died.
I look at her playing, alone or with friends and more often than not, I just think WOW. She has always been easy, from the day she was born but still... How is she still just the easygoing, cruisy child she always been? Don't say it's her parents... I honestly just don't believe that's true.
However it happened, I am glad, it makes my heart warm and helps us through this journey too.
We love you Princess Brooklyn, all the way.
What does death look like, feel like, taste like to a 6 year old? I still have no idea. But here is how Brooklyn has been dealing with losing her brother.
When she came from school That Day, she dropped her bag in her room and sat at the bench for a snack. "Where's Nico??" was quite LITERALLY the first thing she said. "We 'll talk about it after your snack" we told her. "But just where is he?" "Just eat, darling"
I had called our Family Support Worker at Very Special Kids to get some input on how we should tackle this. Don't say passed away. Don't mention sleeping in any context. Say died and explain why/how.
"So,you know how Nico's body didn't work very well? And how his lungs were really not strong? (she nods and tells/shows us how her lungs are REALLY strong) ''And you know lungs and breathing are really important? Well today Nico's lungs stopped working and he died. The doctors couldn't help him anymore. And he died. The ambulance had to take him away so he isn't here anymore and they're not going to bring him back"
She had a little cry. She gave us big cuddles and she went off to the playroom. I have no memory of suggesting she do it, but the next thing she did was go and draw a picture of the four of us. She turned and said "So... Did the ambulance just take Nico to hospital.... or did he really die?" I told her he had died and the ambulance took him to another place, not the hospital. After that, she drew one of just herself with us and told me this was her new little family. I wanted to scream. I wasn't processing this quite as quickly as she was.
 |
| So proud of her baby brother! |
She tells me she misses him regularly. She tells me she doesn't want anyone else in her family to die. But she does these both in a matter of fact way. Not a distressed way.
She's more than happy to talk about him, if he didn't come up on conversation at least twice a week I'd be surprised. She knows he's not "off limits" and that she won't make us sad or mad by talking about him. We laugh about things he would do, we point out things he would love. It makes my heart happy to have her so comfortable... But it worried me too. I don't want her to be The Girl Whose Brother Died. And then this happened:
At the end of last school year, she spent an afternoon with her next class and teacher. I asked her about the day and she said "We had tell about who we lived with and who was in our family. I said I didn't have any brothers or sisters and it was you, me and Dad"
My heart shattered to a million pieces... But I scrambled to put them back together and smiled "That's fine darling, why did you decide to say that?" And her response couldn't have been more simple "I just didn't want to tell about Nico". That a (then) 6 year old already has the intrinsic sense of privacy and withholding things for certain situations and audiences...
She has carried so much on her just-turned-7 old shoulders since she was 18 months old. Me being in hospital for the best part of a month before Nico. 7 plus months of me farming her to friends for half the day while I visited Nico... 2 days short of 4 years living with her brother who needed our full care, whose needs had to outweigh hers 80% of the time and whose appointments she was dragged to with little complaint. You'd think that would be enough for her to have some kind of issues, resentment or rebellion towards us or life in general. Now add coming home from school to be told that her brother, whom she loved so dearly and fiercely protected had died.
 |
| 'I wish Nico was happy' written on the whiteboard in his room during a hospital stay. |
However it happened, I am glad, it makes my heart warm and helps us through this journey too.
We love you Princess Brooklyn, all the way.
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